Raising Resilient Hearts: Lessons from Gabor Maté and Jordan Peterson in Parenting
Parenting has always been a journey of growth, both for our children and for ourselves. As a homeschooling mother striving to nurture my little ones, I often find myself seeking wisdom from various thinkers who delve deep into human development, trauma, and resilience. Two voices that have profoundly influenced my approach are Dr. Gabor Maté and Dr. Jordan Peterson. Their insights into the delicate balance of love, boundaries, and self-understanding have reshaped the way I view my role as a mother.
The Importance of Connection: Gabor Maté’s Insights
Gabor Maté emphasizes that connection is the cornerstone of healthy development. He teaches that children thrive not through rigid discipline or external achievement but through secure, loving attachments. As he often states, “Children don’t need to be controlled; they need to be connected.”
This has been a guiding light in our home. On chaotic days when tempers flare, and patience runs thin, I remind myself that my children’s behavior is often a reflection of their emotional state, not their character. Are they feeling unseen? Are they struggling with something unspoken? Maté’s work reminds me to look beyond the surface and address the heart of the matter.
Practical connection in our home means:
• Unhurried Conversations: Taking time to listen, really listen, to their stories and feelings.
• Physical Presence: Simple acts like holding hands during a walk or cuddling on the couch.
• Emotional Validation: Acknowledging their struggles instead of dismissing them with, “You’ll be fine.”
Setting Boundaries with Compassion: Jordan Peterson’s Perspective
Jordan Peterson often speaks about the necessity of structure and boundaries in raising resilient children. One of his most well-known pieces of advice is, “Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them.” At first glance, this seems stern, but it’s rooted in deep care. Peterson argues that boundaries teach children respect, responsibility, and how to navigate the world beyond the safety of home.
In our family, this has translated to:
• Clear Expectations: We communicate what behaviors are acceptable and why. This isn’t about control but about helping them understand the consequences of their actions.
• Follow-Through with Kindness: Consistent consequences don’t have to be harsh. They simply need to be firm and fair.
• Modeling Behavior: Children learn more from what we do than what we say. If I want them to speak kindly, I must speak kindly—even when I’m frustrated.
Balancing Connection and Discipline
The beauty of integrating Maté’s and Peterson’s ideas is in the balance. Connection without boundaries can lead to chaos, while boundaries without connection can lead to rebellion. Our goal as parents is to create a space where our children feel safe enough to grow yet challenged enough to develop strength.
In practical terms, this looks like:
• Empathetic Correction: When a boundary is crossed, I try to address the behavior while affirming their worth. “I love you, but hitting your sister is not okay. Let’s talk about what you’re feeling.”
• Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging their efforts to make good choices reinforces both connection and responsibility.
• Family Rituals: Whether it’s a nightly rosary, a family meal, or a simple bedtime story, these routines provide both structure and warmth.
Our Role as Guides
Both Maté and Peterson remind us that parenting is less about perfection and more about presence. We are not here to mold our children into an ideal image but to guide them toward becoming their authentic selves. This means facing our own shortcomings, as Maté emphasizes because we cannot give what we do not possess. It also means, as Peterson often says, aiming to be “a little better today than yesterday.”
Trusting the Journey
Parenting is the most sacred and challenging vocation I’ve been called to. There are days when I fall short when my patience wears thin, and when I question if I’m doing enough. But in those moments, I turn to prayer and the wisdom of those who’ve walked this path before me.
We’re not called to be perfect parents but to be faithful ones. To love deeply, set boundaries firmly, and walk this journey with humility and hope.
To find out more about Jordan Peterson and Gabor Maté’s philosophies by listening to some of Joe Rogan’s episodes featuring Peterson and Maté!
AMDG,
Emma Williams
Catholic wife and homeschooling mother, artist and storyteller. Romanticizing everything. Living (somewhat) holistically and liturgically within the walls of our little domestic monastery.
Read more on parenting and homeschooling at Paraclete Pedagogy.
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